David and the Magic Bean

Most of us know the story of Jack and his magic beans. Now our Davy has a story of his own.

Yesterday afternoon I got a call. "St. Elizabeth Ann Seton" the caller ID said. Deep breath... I always get a little nervous when I see the school is calling.

"Michelle," the school nurse began... "Mr. David came to my office."

Great. I should have expected, I told myself. We had been on a healthy streak, and it was about to end.

She continued. "He stuck a bead in his ear, and I'm afraid if I try to get it out, I'll only push it further in."

I have heard of these stories. In fact, my nephew once stuck a dried corn kernel up his nose. Days later when he finally sneezed it out, it was nice and soft. But he was only crawling--not in second grade.

"David, why did you stick a bead in your ear?" I insisted upon arriving at school.

"I don't know. And it's not a bead--it's a bean!"

Oh, well, I guess that changes things!

So we set out to see his pediatrician, who asked that we come in immediately. I took Zachary along, but was able to leave the other boys with my sister. Poor little Zach had been to the clinic earlier that day for shots, and he started crying as soon as he saw the doctor. David, however, couldn't be happier. "Look!" he exclaimed. "There's a bean in my left ear! Do you see it? It's brown! Do you see it down there?" "Oh, I see it!" affirmed his doctor. "I see it, but it's pretty far in, and I'm not going to try to get it out. We're sending you to ENT."

Fortunately the clinic had an ENT on duty. Unfortunately the wait was long. My David is extremely hyperactive, and sitting patiently for yet another appointment was proving to be a real challenge. So I struck up a conversation:

"When did you stick this bean in your ear?"

"During music." Ah, yes... David's favorite class--NOT!

"And... where did you get the bean?"

"On the floor."

"OK. And how did you end up in Nurse Becca's office?"

"Well, I couldn't get the bean out. But I didn't want to tell the teacher, because I didn't want to get in trouble. So I asked John to tell her. And she sent me to the nurse."

"Alright. And why did you stick this bean in your ear?"

"Is that what you did?!" a patient in his early 20's cut in. "Oh, man! Do you know what's gonna happen if you don't get that out? It'll start growing out of your ear! And pretty soon you have this huge beanstalk, and then a giant will start climbing down from the clouds... Ew, that's bad news, man!"

Finally we get in to see the Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist, who confirms that yes indeedy, there's a bean in David's ear. And it's wedged in there pretty good. But no problem, he can get it out, if David can only sit motionless for a few minutes while he jams a metal instrument down there to dig it out. Uh, that's so not going to happen!

So after two very brief, very unsuccessful tries, the doctor throws in his towel.

"He's too big to hold down. We're going to have to put him to sleep."

This is kind of turning into a big deal. And only that morning I was asking myself why I never seem to get anything done around the house. Let's just say that this is one of the many adventures with the boys we experience on a daily basis. But I digress...

So by now, Zachary is going bonkers and David is already way far gone. We are late for swim lessons, and may as well start digging out leftovers for dinner. And homework? Well, there's just no patience left for that!

On the way home from the doctor, I persisted: "David, why did you stick a bean in your ear?" And he was still not entirely certain what possessed him to do such a thing, but proposed that it may have had something to do with a magic trick gone terribly wrong.

By morning, David was starving and unable to eat or drink anything in anticipation of his anesthesia. The second graders at his school, I was told, were worried about David's fate and fervently praying for a successful surgery. A couple little girls even pulled out their rosaries to intercede for David during study time. The teachers were talking, too... rumor made its way from one Catholic school to another and my brother (who teaches across town) called me for details.

Finally, about fifteen minutes after taking my son "back," the doctor came forth with what he called The Most Expensive Bean in Wichita. Thanks for reminding me, I thought.

And after a bad headache, a couple vomits, and a huge pile of homework later, David decided that his Magic Bean Trick wasn't such a good idea.

Moral of this story: Do not try this at home, boys and girls. Or in music.

Can you see it?

David and his Magic Bean

Ugh... that anesthesia didn't sit too well...

The Most Expensive Bean in Wichita

David explains it himself: